There are burdens whose arrival on our shoulders we can identify precisely.
A difficult decision. A problem waiting to be solved. An unspoken sentence. A responsibility that genuinely belongs to us.
Other burdens, however, are taken on almost without our noticing.
After a conversation, we continue thinking about another person’s problem for hours. The tension remains with us even after a client who arrived in a bad mood has left. We feel guilty when we say no to someone. We try to meet expectations that may never have been openly expressed.
By the evening, we feel exhausted, although we cannot explain exactly what has made us so tired.
Perhaps we did not carry only our own day.
Maybe we also took something with us from other people’s emotions, problems and expectations.
When we tune in to others too easily
Empathy is valuable.
It enables us to notice when somebody is not all right. We hear tiredness in their voice, see uncertainty in their eyes and sense when something entirely different lies behind the words they have spoken.
This sensitivity is especially important in professions in which we work closely with people.
A therapist, cosmetician, pedicurist, nail technician or massage therapist often encounters more than her client’s body. The client also brings her mood, the tension of her day and sometimes the difficult stories of her life into the treatment room.
The professional listens, pays attention and creates a safe space for her.
This is one of the most beautiful aspects of human connection.
The difficulty begins when we do not merely listen to another person’s story, but carry it home with us as well.
Listening is not the same as taking something on
When somebody shares a problem with us, it is natural for it to affect us.
Empathy, however, does not mean that we must continue carrying the same pain. We do not have to find a solution on their behalf, assume responsibility for their decisions or continue the conversation in our mind throughout the day.
We can be attentive without becoming lost in another person’s emotions.
We can say:
“I can hear how difficult this is for you right now.”
Without telling ourselves:
“I have to fix this.”
The difference between these two statements is one of the most important foundations of a healthy boundary.
Empathy means: I am here with you.
Taking on excessive responsibility means: I will try to carry what belongs to your life instead of you.
The first is connection.
The second may eventually weaken both of us.
The weight of invisible expectations
We can take on not only other people’s problems, but also their expectations.
I must be a good person. I must always be available. I cannot disappoint anyone. I cannot say no. I cannot be tired. Everyone must leave me feeling satisfied.
But who said that we have to fulfil all of this?
Sometimes the people around us genuinely express expectations towards us. At other times, however, we try to guess what they might expect and adapt ourselves before they have said anything at all.
We interpret a look as criticism. We assume from a short reply that someone is angry with us. After declining a request, we continue to feel guilty for a long time.
Meanwhile, we may fail to notice that we are carrying burdens the other person did not place upon us – we placed them upon ourselves.
We are not responsible for everyone’s emotions
This is one of the most difficult truths to accept:
We cannot ensure that everyone around us is always satisfied.
If we establish a boundary, someone may feel disappointed. If we say no, someone may feel offended. If we consider our own needs as well, someone may call us selfish.
The other person’s feelings are real, and we can respect them.
But we are not responsible for every emotion they experience.
To understand the difference, it can help to ask ourselves:
Did I genuinely hurt somebody and therefore need to take responsibility for my behaviour?
Or did I simply set a boundary that the other person does not like?
In the first situation, an apology and an effort to make amends may be necessary.
In the second, we may simply need to maintain our boundary with kindness and consistency.
A boundary is not rejection
Many people are afraid to set boundaries because they believe doing so will push another person away.
But a healthy boundary is not a wall.
It does not say: I do not care about what is happening to you. It says:
“You are important to me, but I am important too.”
“I will listen to you, but I cannot solve it for you.”
“I will help where I can, but I cannot take on everything.”
“I empathise with you, but your emotions cannot become entirely my own.”
A boundary shows where the other person’s responsibility ends and where ours begins.
It does not end connection. It makes that connection safer and more honest.
When the body signals that we are carrying too much
Invisible emotional burdens can leave traces in our body as well.
Our shoulders may tense during a difficult conversation. Our stomach may tighten after a conflict. By the end of the day, our chest may feel heavy, and we may become more tired or impatient.
Sometimes a strange restlessness remains after a client has left. We replay the conversation repeatedly in our mind and wonder what we should have said or done differently.
These emotions and physical symptoms can have many different causes. Persistent or severe complaints should always be discussed with an appropriate healthcare professional.
At the same time, it may be worth asking ourselves occasionally:
Does what I am feeling right now truly belong to my own story?
Or have I carried something away from an encounter?
A therapist’s attention cannot be unlimited
In caring professions and the beauty industry, we can easily confuse professional attention with unlimited availability.
Being present for a client does not mean that we must become the holder of all her problems.
A therapist’s role is not to act as a psychologist if she does not have the relevant qualifications. She does not need to offer life advice, make decisions for her client or assume an emotional burden that extends beyond her professional role.
She can listen.
She can be empathetic.
She can create a calm and safe space.
When necessary, she can gently indicate that a particular problem requires the support of an appropriately qualified professional.
This is not insensitivity. It is responsibility.
Clear professional boundaries protect both the client and the therapist.
What can we leave in the treatment room?
Completing a treatment is important not only for the client.
The therapist may also need a brief transition before welcoming the next person or returning home to her own life.
This may consist of a few conscious breaths. An inner sentence while washing her hands. Opening the window briefly, tidying the room or slowly drinking a glass of water.
We do not need a magical ritual.
A conscious message to ourselves is enough:
“This encounter has ended.”
“I respect what I have heard, but I do not need to take it with me.”
“I am returning to myself.”
Such a brief closing moment can help us separate the client’s story from our own.
Empathy towards ourselves
It is often easier to show empathy to other people than to ourselves.
We understand why someone is tired. We accept when they need help. We do not judge them for being unable to solve everything alone.
But do we offer the same understanding to ourselves?
Healthy boundaries are not only about what we no longer allow other people to do. They are also about what we stop demanding from ourselves.
We do not have to save everyone.
We do not need an answer to every problem.
We do not have to be available all the time.
And we do not have to carry every emotion with us simply because it came close to us for a moment.
Fifty-two weeks to recognise your own voice
The Zen Blessing self-awareness journal – a 52-week companion on the journey towards yourself – also supports us in gradually learning to distinguish our own emotions from other people’s expectations and burdens.
This requires time and honesty.
A single journal entry may not reveal every situation in which we assume too much responsibility. Over the weeks, however, recurring patterns may begin to emerge.
Who are we afraid to say no to?
After which situations do we regularly feel exhausted?
When do we feel guilty even though we have not actually done anything wrong?
Which expectations are guiding our lives without us ever asking: Is this what I want too?
The journal does not tell us how we should live.
It provides space in which we can hear our own answers.
A journal question for this week
Find a quiet moment and write:
What am I carrying right now that does not truly belong to me?
Then reflect on the following:
- Whose expectations am I trying to meet?
- Which problem occupies my mind even though solving it is not my responsibility?
- Which emotion have I taken on from another person?
- When did I say yes while feeling no inside?
- What am I afraid might happen if I establish a boundary?
- What can I put down today with love and without guilt?
- What truly belongs to me, and what do I need to care for myself?
Do not try to find a perfect answer to every question immediately.
Instead, notice which question touches you most deeply.
Perhaps that is where you will find the burden you have already been carrying for too long.
You do not have to take everything home
Other people’s stories can touch us.
We can listen, empathise and stand beside them for a while. But this does not mean that we must carry all their pain away with us.
Love does not become genuine only when we lose ourselves in the process.
Empathy does not mean taking on every burden.
Helping does not mean living another person’s life for them.
Perhaps today you can pause for a moment and imagine placing down everything that does not belong to you.
Not with anger.
Not with rejection.
But with respect and love.
Because you do not have to take away what belongs to another person.
And you can only give clear attention to what genuinely belongs to you once your arms are no longer filled with the burdens of others.
What are you carrying that does not truly belong to you?
Vígh Tímea
Creator of Zen Blessing Massage®